Remembering the Forest

Part of the reason I'm having such a hard time with not being successful at TTC yet is because I'm such a goal-oriented person. As explored in previous posts, any time I've identified a goal, I put 100% of my effort into achieving it, and I did. So having this new goal that I am trying 100% to achieve, and having it not happen is, well, driving me crazy.

But another aspect of being so goal oriented is that I tend to be very focused. I keep my "eyes on the prize" (I really do hate using such hackneyed expressions, but it's early, and it works, so let's roll with it) and don't waste attention on peripheral details. That means when I was studying for entrance exams I stopped watching TV; when I was teaching I worked every weekend to prepare something awesome for the upcoming week; and when I was training, I lost track of laundry, bills, traveling to see family, spending time with TH, etc. And now that the goal is getting KU, that's all I'm focusing on. My attention has become laser focused on one singular point: the success or failure of conceiving.

I have stopped thinking about the world of change that that singular point brings with it.

Once we get a positive test, our entire existence will never be the same. We slept 'til 10 a.m. yesterday just because we didn't have anything pressing to get up and do. No more of that. We were sitting around Friday night and decided last-second to go catch a movie. No more of that. We have a quiet house. A tidy house. A laid-back, calm house. We can spend money on whatever we want. We can travel wherever we want for as long as our jobs allow. When we leave the house, I only have to check to make sure I have my wallet and cell phone. We lead simple lives. Lives that will never be the same after that BFP.

We want to have our kids close in age, so once this baby train finally leaves the station, it ain't stopping again for a while. It's like we're poised at the top of a hill, and all I am thinking about is starting down the other side, not remembering that once we do, this point, this peak, this view, will never be reached again.

It's not that I think that our lives are the best that they'll ever be right now, pre-kid. Because I don't. I think that our lives will be more richly blessed when we have kids than I could ever even imagine right now.

I just know that I spend a lot of time focusing on the single goal: get pregnant. And I tend to forget that it comes, much like the Verizon network, with a whole lot more. What we are trying to do is not just get pregnant. We are trying to change our lives forever. It's a big deal. It's not as simple as just TTC. And it helps me to remember that, to remember to enjoy the view right now, because once we start down that other side, there's no coming back.