Onward

I didn't even make it to testing this morning. The bottom dropped out of my temp and I knew what that meant. AF was here just after lunch.

This time brought with it a lot of anger.

Much of it was directed at TH this morning--not out loud, but internally. He slept in. He didn't ask me about my temp. Or if I had tested. He still hasn't. He didn't remember that this morning was THE morning. I had girls all across the city praying for me and asking for updates the first thing in the morning, and my own husband didn't remember.

I feel like the longer this goes on, the more he just goes on with his life as usual, the more this whole TTC circus just fades into his background. He's not the one taking vitamins and temping and charting and feeling phantom symptoms and withholding from caffeine and alcohol and changing his life to make this thing happen. He has sex with me when he's supposed to (who are we kidding--that's not even an adjustment for him) and occasionally remembers to take his vitamins (a one month supply has now lasted more than two months) and his life goes on as usual aside from the occasional jealousy when he sees other men who have pregnant wives or other men who have cute kids. I was angry at him for not being equally involved in this as me, for leaving me to feel alone and hurt this morning, for not knowing that I was feeling lonely, that I was hurting.

I know that my anger is not really with him, but that's where this directionless anger is turning.

This has been the first month I've felt like crying. I cried two weeks ago, cried with frustration at my stupid doctor who said that she would neither see nor talk to me before my annual in February. But this is the first time I've felt like crying about the no.

I've been able to channel a little of that anger and frustration--I changed doctors to a man who is literally locally famous in the TTC circles. He's not a specialist, and I have several friends who see him as their regular GYN, and at this point I don't think I need a specialist. I need a doctor who will listen to my concerns and look at my charts and hear why I'm frustrated and have a conversation with me about what's going on. I need a doctor who is involved in the process.

So anyway, I have my first appointment with his NP in two weeks. So I have two weeks to sort through all the angry chatter in my head and heart and develop a list of questions.

As I ate lunch today, there was Christmas music playing. I was first struck with a wave of self-pity--I wanted so desperately to celebrate something special this Christmas. Christmas is a family holiday, and I truly believed we would be on our way to starting our own family by now.

And then, because I loathe feeling sorry for myself, I remembered that I was truly happy last Christmas. And in all honesty, nothing has changed. My life hasn't gotten worse. I have just as much to celebrate this year as I did last year.

So, I'm thinking that I'm glad that it's Christmas time--with all the shopping and parties and traveling and time off work, this month will fly by.

Right?