On Getting Closer...

Dearest Little Alina,

Today I am 34 weeks, 4 days pregnant. There are less than 40 days to go until your estimated arrival, which I am thinking will happen anywhere within a one-week window on either side of that target date. I had my last non-weekly appointment this week, and it was amazing. You have turned once again and are head down. We got to see the perfect curve of your head sitting directly against my cervix, in the perfect position for entering the world. (I knew you were head down before our appointment, though, because I could feel your cute little hiccups way down low.) You slowed your stellar growth a bit, measuring in the 65% this time, with only your legs measuring substantially ahead, just the way I would have taught you to approach all tasks in life--overachieve in the beginning, get ahead, and then relax and coast to the finish line. You make me so very proud.

And you have given me the confidence boost I needed to believe that I could handle your entrance into the world. Yes, the clinical idea of labor and delivery intimidate me, the details of what exactly is going to happen. But I know my body will be able to handle your perfect estimated 8.5 lbs, and I am excited that the experience is drawing closer! I have already planned on bringing a picture of you with me when we go to the hospital. I know that no matter what happens, keeping you in front of me will keep me motivated, will remind me that it is worth every ounce of effort it takes to get to, and cross, that finish line.

As the time for us to meet face to face draws near, I am still loving every second of being pregnant. To be honest, it is no longer as easy to function normally as it had been up to this point. Turning over in bed has become quite the production. I turn in stages, first extricating my shoulders from the body pillow I have wrapped around myself and and turning them, and then my hips, about halfway, then swinging the little wedge pillow that keeps you propped up to my other side, before finally turning my shoulders, and then hips, fully to the other side and re-wrapping the body pillow around me. I have good nights and bad nights. On good nights I can sleep two or three hours per side before needing to flip over. On bad nights, I flip almost every hour. I know your dad must be awoken by the heavy moving, but he never says anything other than asking if my hips need rubbing.

I'm starting to feel sore in my pelvis area, as if I just got back from a 50-mile bike ride. I wonder if that's pressure from you starting to descend, or a result of my hips opening, or both. You still haven't caused me any direct pain, have never kicked me in the ribs. You are sitting on my colon, however, which has caused a noticeable decrease in the frequency of my bathroom needs. But I still pee 10 or so times a day.

My ankles have started to swell, which no one is surprised by considering it has been 100+ degrees here for the last several months and considering I have a desk job which keeps me seated for the better portion of the day. I watch their daily progress with a kind of fascination, from small and normal in the morning to puffy and bloated as the day wears on, and I wonder if, in the next five weeks, they will get to a point that is scary.

My belly button, though stretched, is still an inny, and when you move in a certain position inside me, it sinks back to early-to-mid second trimester levels. And sometimes, on special days, you find the inside of it and tickle me.

It is amazing to feel you move inside me, movements that are now slower and more constricted than your flipping and turning has been for the last several months. I can tell you are starting to run out of room in there! You have already developed your own little schedule. I can count on you to be sluggish in the mornings, like your daddy, moving but not really energetic. You take a nap around 11 and around 1, and then at 3, you finally decide that the day is worth celebrating and you have your very own little dance party in there! You are content through the evening hours and tend to perk up a bit when it's bed time . . . again, a night owl, just like your dad. But once we are settled and in for the night, you and I both sleep soundly.

So, yes, there are signs of discomfort developing, all pointing to your impending arrival. And I note every discomfort, every extra effort, with fascination and awe. YOU are doing these things to my body. You, my daughter, the one I am growing inside me. How amazing. I look at my big, round belly a hundred times a day and just smile. What an amazing thing it is to be carrying you.

Your nursery is 98% done! The only thing that remains is getting your name letters pained and hung on the wall above your crib. It is my favorite room in the house, and I go in at least once a day and just look around, smiling. It is also Icarus, your furry brother's, favorite room in the house! He just loves the recliner we bought for you, and he begs at the door to be let in every time I'm anywhere near that part of the house. Loki, your other furry brother, just likes to go in the room and sit, taking it all in.

As the finish line draws closer, I can feel a return of my first pregnancy symptom: worry. This always happens to me as something wonderful draws nigh--I start feeling like my life is too good to be true, and surely something will happen to bring it crashing down around me. I worried about something happening to your dad in the weeks leading up to our wedding. Now I worry about something happening to him, something that would rob you of his incredible presence, and I worry about something happening to you. You are so close to us. So close to being outside, in our arms. So close to being here for us to smell and nuzzle and kiss and comfort. My anxiety over that all being taken from me at the last second is on the rise. I try to take deep, calming breaths (sometimes more difficult than others when you are pushing up against my lungs!) and just trust that you are as healthy as you have ever been, that my body, and your body, are doing exactly what they need to do, and that you and I will meet, finally, face to face, in less than 40 days.

With endless love, and excitement, and worry, and awe,

Mom