One of our cats is a bold, beautiful, confident, often disdainful, bit of a punk-ass cat. He knows what he wants. He knows what he likes. He does it. He lets us know when he's unhappy. He's, well, confident.
Our other cat is none of those things. He's quiet, sweet, chubby, friendly, eager to please. He follows us around the house, just wanting to be near. He runs from loud noises, bags, balls, and most everything else that moves. When he's in trouble, he doesn't run; he crouches, cowers, and twitches his back. Poor baby.
I'm on CD 13. This should be when I start to get wound up, when I start to get excited. When I get hopeful. Sometime in the next 5-7 days, I should ovulate, and we should make a baby. Nothing is more exciting than that, right? My sadness is gone. Last cycle is behind us. Nothing left to do but look forward and make plans. Hopeful plans.
But the thing is, I haven't been thinking about it. I haven't been making plans. Not hopeful. Not excited. Just...neutral. And I'm not generally a neutral person. I haven't wanted to talk about things. Haven't wanted to think about things. Haven't wanted to post. Haven't been visiting the baby boards. Have really been avoiding the entire issue.
I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me at lunch today. Am I finally just chilling the f--- out? Am I finally relaxing, not worrying about when it's going to happen, letting go, letting God, and all that? The thing is, if that were the case, I would be feeling, well, relaxed. Put at ease. And I'm not. I'm feeling a little sick to my stomach when I think about it, which, I realize, is probably why I'm not thinking about it so much.
What I finally realized is that I'm feeling scared. I'm scared that it's not working. I'm scared that we'll fail again. I'm scared that there's something wrong with us, that we're part of what makes up the percentage of the population that needs medical help to get pregnant. I'm scared of the pain that comes with each month's AF--not the physical pain, but the much worse emotional pain, the pain my heart feels when it whimpers with let down, with disappointment. I'm scared of becoming bitter. I'm scared of becoming angry. I'm scared of our TTC journey changing us, stealing our happiness and our innocence and our blithe approach to life. I'm scared of failing again and again and again.
We are now four months into our journey. Our lives should have been changed by now. We should be painting our nursery and telling our families and worrying about what I eat and laughing at not fitting into my clothes anymore and every night TH should be kissing my belly gently and telling his child, our child, how loved he/she is. And every month that our lives didn't change, every month when I started my period right on time, just like I have for the last 15 years, it hurt.
And now I'm scared of that hurt. I'm like Pavlov's dogs, gradually being trained to a stimulus. The hurt comes from the hope of trying to make a baby, so to avoid that hurt, avoid that hope. I'm like our sweet, chubby, twitchy cat, who cowers on the ground, trying to hide from the punishment.
And I know, I KNOW it hasn't been that long, and that this is normal for most people, and that it will happen for us, and that you have to stay positive and think positive and create a positive reality with your thoughts and attract positive things with your energy and visualize your goal happening, and be thankful, even when you don't have that thing yet, be thankful as if you did. And I know my stress now can adversely affect the very thing we are trying to get, that my attitude and approach can make or break this.
While my head knows all that, my heart is cowering. twitching. hiding. And I'm not confident. I'm scared.
So I think I'll just stay crouched for now. Maybe after next week, when I realize our window has passed and now there is really nothing left to do but hope, maybe then I'll feel free from the pressure of getting it right. And I'll get back on the boards, and I'll start talking about it again, and my productivity at work will plummet as I become less and less capable of thinking of anything else.
But for now, I'll stay down here. Me and my twitchy cat.
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2 comments:
Honey, this made me cry.. because I'm right there with ya. Kind of.
I don't know who Jennifer is.. but I have to disagree with her comment. I know that the pain IFers face must be far worse than what you and I are going through at our stages in this journey - but that does not mean that your pain isn't REAL and that you shouldn't be feeling the way that you are.
Wanting anything as badly as you (and I) want a baby - altering your entire life to best suit your pursuit of that achievement - doing everything you can physically, emotionally, spiritually, nutritionally, to get there - and it not working, SUCKS. No matter how you look at it. 4 months, 14 months, 4 years... it SUCKS.
Sure, its "normal" to take up to a year.. but that doesn't make repeated failed attempts within that year a cake walk.
Each cycle is a roller coaster, and I know you well enough to know that your hope and excitement will (it WILL) return. I hope that its soon for you, because I hate to see you down. And don't worry - you are NOT the only way feeling the way you do.
(((Hugs)))
I wanted to follow up- make another comment in addition to the one I left on GP without bouncing the post up to the top of the page again.
I think it is normal and acceptable to be disappointed. I was- even early on cycles 2-4. I also have cycles where I feel very neutral like you described - and afraid.
I am in a very "it's not fair" mood today. And your post touched right on something that was at the top of the list for me -then I clicked the "post" button when I should have just logged off the computer.
Not really sure where I was going with this....since it's mostly turned into babbling.
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