The Things I Say and the Things I Don't

The things I say:

friend: oh, the registration for the MS150 is about to be open! Are we doing it again this year?

me: I don't know. I'm undecided. Last year was so great because I was already training for a half-ironman and I was in such kick-ass shape, I'm kind of tempted to just leave it at that single fantastic experience.

The things I don't say:

me: I don't know if I should register or not. You see, we're trying to get pregnant. So if we do get pregnant, obviously I couldn't/wouldn't do the ride. On the other hand, I feel so stupid for living my life based on the great "what if"--it sucks to put everything I used to do on hold, but I also have to believe that we will be successful soon. I would just sign up and then not ride, but $200 is a lot of money to lose for no reason.



The things I say:

mom: want to share this bottle of wine with me?

me: sure.

The things I don't say:

me: well, I'm may or may not be pregnant RIGHT NOW. I can't really test until next weekend, and I know that you don't share a blood supply with a baby until 6 weeks, and I know millions upon millions upon millions of women have had alcohol before they found out they were pregnant, but I don't want to do anything to screw this up.



The things I say:

Dad: man, there sure are a lot of babies around!

me: I know, right? They're everywhere!

The things I don't say:

me: I know, right? Since we started trying, everywhere we go there are babies. Cute, fat, happy babies with blissfully sleep deprived parents loving on them. It makes it really hard to stay calm and optimistic when it seems like the universe is taunting you with the thing you are trying so hard to achieve yourself. And did you know in the last three months since we've been trying we know FOURTEEN girls who have gotten pregnant?? FOURTEEN. And yes, I know it will be our turn soon, and we will have everything we've always wanted, but damn, sometimes I just want to stay home and hide so that I won't have to go out and see all those families who have been successful where so far we have not. Isn't that crazy? Can you believe how crazy TTC has made me, your calm, level-headed, patient, happy daughter?



The things I say:

TH: What was your temperature this morning?

me: It went down a little. But it's ok.

The things I don't say:

me: It went down a little, and I've heard that there can be a dip around implantation, but that then it should come back up after that, and mine's not really coming back up, and do you think that means we missed another month, another month of wanting and wishing and obsessing and feigning patience and optimism and calmness, and what's wrong with us, why do we know so many people who were successful on their first shot, so many people who think nothing of getting pregnant, people who say oh, just get drunk and screw like bunnies for a couple of weeks, that should do it, why does this make me feel like a failure, like we were not selected by Darwin's law to continue our gene lines, like we could have the world's greatest marriage, greatest relationship, the kind of marriage our friends are all envious of, but that they get the kids, I mean what is that, is that like the universe evening out the playing field, oh, you guys get the marriage, they get the kids, that's fair, and iknowiknowiknow I should relax and stay strong and optimistic and calm and remember to trust the process and that there is more to life than babies, and that our time will come and to forfrick'ssake just be patient, but every single twinge I feel and every single temperature I take make me so hopeful and so worried all at once, and how is that even possible???

The thing TH doesn't say:

TH: I know. Me too.