The Audacity of Hope

The power of positive thinking is not, as some would claim, puffy new-age nonsense. The great thinkers, politicians, and leaders of history have espoused the power of the optimistic, determined mindset. Most recently, The Secret has made believers--and skeptics--of many.

I, for one, don't see how you could doubt it.

Science has proven--proven--that energy affects reality. What the Bleep Do We Know!? and The Secret Life of Water both scientifically explore the effects that expectations and attitude--both conveyed through thoughts--have on the outside world. If you haven't seen the documentary or read the book, I highly recommend them. Conversations with God is another series that I found mind blowing and life changing.

But back to the point: I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that your thoughts influence your reality. What you focus on is what you draw to you. If you constantly wonder why you can't do something (like get pregnant), all your attention is focusing on the idea that you can't do that thing . . . which, consequently, creates that very reality for you. If, on the other hand, you focus on the reality of something (visualizing being pregnant, holding your child, etc...), you draw that reality to you. For ease, I call that focus--the focusing on the reality of something in your future--hope.

So, believing as I do, that hope and optimism bring about your desired results, I spend 98% of my time hoping--believing--that I am pregnant. I am confident in our timing. I am confident that the stress of my deadlines at work will not affect my cycle. I am confident that TH's soldiers are 100% strong and ready to do their life's mission. I am confident that my body is functioning as it should, releasing healthy eggs on time, controlling my hormone levels appropriately, creating a sustaining environment for TH's sperm. In short, every cycle, I am confident that we were successful. In the 2ww (2 week wait--the average window after a woman ovulates that she has to wait before a.) she starts her period or b.) she gets a BFP), I don't drink caffeine or alcohol. I don't eat hot dogs or sushi. I visualize my pregnant belly. I visualize our nursery. I visualize TH playing with our child. I am confident. I am hopeful.

And then I take a test and it comes back negative. And it crushes me. That's how I spend the other 2% of my time. Deflated and glaring at happy pregnant women as I stuff my face with Dr. Pepper and cold lunch meat. My hope lifts me up, supports me, steadies me as I float, wavering, on the unsteady wind of uncertainty. And then the reality of the single line brings me crashing down. If I hadn't gotten my hopes up, if I had not been confident, certain, optimistic, the reality of my period, of my undeniably not-pregnant-ness, wouldn't hurt so much. It wouldn't be such a shock. It wouldn't drive the air out of my world.

That's the catch: hope sustains me, and hope makes the fall that much harder.

What's the answer? Lose hope? Start to "know" every cycle that you weren't successful, that you'll undoubtedly start your period right on time (or maybe a few cruel days late), that it's going to take you a long time to get pregnant, that getting pregnant is hard, that only others are meant to be pregnant but not you, that there's something wrong, that it's not working, that it's not possible?

That's not an option for me. Believing those things, in my mind, will create that reality, and that's not the reality I choose for myself.

Webster's defines audacity as "daring boldness." Princeton defines it as "fearless daring." So I choose to be daring and fearless and bold. I choose to chance the pain of the fall between the heights of my hope and the lows of the reality I might face...the reality I have faced twice now...the reality of last month's BFN and this month's AF on-time arrival.

As I face the third cycle of our TTC journey, I face it with hope. And optimism. And certainty.