Phase 1

With that little full-term milestone behind me, there is really only one more milestone that lies ahead.

THE milestone. You know, the one that ends with a sweet, outside baby boy in my arms.

It's easy for me to gloss over labor and delivery, to think only of the end product. It's that mentality that helped me eventually get over the way my first experience went. It wasn't the process that was important, it was the outcome that mattered. So it's only natural for me to fall into that same, "it's all just details that lead to the goal: a healthy outside baby" mentality this time around. And in the grand scheme of things, that IS true. It really DOESN'T matter how he gets here this time. All that matters is that sometime in the next three weeks or so, he safely transitions from inside mommy's tummy to inside mommy's arms. The steps that happen between now and then are just details.

But it's equally true that there's a way I'd LIKE for this all to go down. I WANT to give birth vaginally. I want the experience of knowing that my body is doing what it was designed to do, of pushing, of crying while my baby is placed, howling, on my naked chest.

And knowing that, knowing how I WANT this experience to go, forces me to stop and think about the "details."

And as I see it, there's not just one milestone left. There are really three:

1. I have to go into labor on my own.
2. I have to dilate all the way to a 10.
3. I have to push the baby out.

I'll address the latter two later. Today all I can think about is the first one. The first step. The first test to pass.

Phase 1: I have to go into labor on my own.

The dangers of a VBAC begin to rise when you start to introduce labor-augmenting drugs. Things like pitocin, designed to force a woman's body to contract above and beyond what it would be doing naturally, only increase the chances of a uterine rupture in a VBAC attempt. It's not that I can't be induced, it's that actions like that change the safety/danger equation. So the first hurdle to overcome on the path to the birth I hope for is going into labor on my own.

I have no reason to fear that this might not happen (other than fearing that it just, simply, won't happen, for no reason whatsoever except that the universe likes to remind me that I can't control everything). I went into labor on my own with baby girl. I wasn't late. I didn't need any kind of jump-start until later, when things stopped moving forward on their own.

But even with no reason to fear it might not happen, still it's the first step, the first domino in the process, so it is on this step that all my attention is turned.

I can think about dilation later. I'll worry about pushing when the time comes. Right now, I just want to go into labor on my own.

I told TH last night that, with less than 20 days to go 'til my due date, 'til my doc starts getting concerned that I'm NOT going into labor on my own, it was time to start gradually doing things to help my body along.

And of course I have a plan.

I need long walks. Orgasms. And sperm. And they don't have to all happen at the same time.

Yep, I told my husband that. I'm so romantic.

It's not about connection at this point, it's about a biological process that I need his help with. The long walks and orgasms I can take care of myself, though it is admittedly way more fun when he's involved. The sperm I kinda need him to be around for.

I need my body to loosen up and for baby boy to drop (enter long walks). I need my uterus to contract (enter orgasms). And there's something in sperm that has been shown to help soften a cervix and prepare it for labor (enter . . . well . . . sperm).

Good thing my hubs is a champ and is willing to do whatever it takes to help me be successful. The green light for dispassionate sex where there are no stipulations for foreplay, taking things slow, making sure I feel loved and emotionally cared for? By golly he'll suck it up and do his part. What a team player.

So that's where we are. Eyes focused on phase 1. Plan in place.

Now if I can just maintain my sanity, my zen, while waiting for something to happen.

And so the adventure begins.