Love Wins and My Heart Explodes

So we decided not to let her sleep with her lovie.

It was a hard decision, but we felt comfortable with the way things had been going, comfortable with our confident, calm sleeper who has never needed anything to go to sleep.

We took Matt (Matt is the monkey. She named him Matt. All on her own. Love that girl.) away at bath time and stashed him in the kitchen so that she wouldn't see him when it was time to go to bed.

Our downfall: she's teething and TH told me to bring her into the kitchen for tylenol.

D'oh.

She saw Matt and immediately started saying, "Matt! Matt! Monk! ooh-ooh-ooh!"

TH gently said, "No, baby, Matt's going night-night, and Ali's going night-night, too. You can see Matt in the morning," while I moved slowly around the corner. She said, "Noooooo!" and buried her face into my shoulder and looked like her heart would break. I lost my resolve and looked at TH with a "I'm totally giving in" look, and he doubled his resolve. TH took baby girl from my arms (it was his turn for bedtime), and she cried, "Maaattt! Peeeeese! Oooh-oooh-ooooh!" as if we just hadn't heard. No tears, just plaintive longing.

She went to bed last night the same as ever. Not crying. Just with her lower lip sticking out and a heartbroken look on her sweet face.

I couldn't get past it. An hour later I told TH I was having second thoughts, that she had a lot of change coming up in the next few months what with changing rooms and a new baby coming home, and that Matt could help comfort her through it all. As soon as the words left my lips, relief flooded TH's face. He said he never wanted to be responsible for making her look that sad ever again.

I ran to the kitchen, grabbed the monkey, tiptoed into baby girl's room, and nestled Matt into the corner of her crib so that he would be the first thing she saw when she awoke.

I went to sleep feeling like I could live with myself again.

And sure enough, after stretching and rubbing her eyes, this morning baby girl turned over and saw Matt, and her face flooded with joy and she yelled "Matt!"

So there it is. Love wins. Or rather, lovie wins. Baby girl now has a favorite stuffed animal that she'll sleep with.

On the ride to school this morning, baby girl seemed to realize about halfway there that we had left Matt at home (he doesn't come to school with us (yet) because we don't want other kids taking him, him getting dirty or ruined or lost, etc.). I heard her turn her head from side to side, asking "Matt? Matt?" looking around the car to see where he was. I didn't say anything. Just waited.

A few seconds later, a quiet "bye-bye" floated up from the back seat.

Realizing he wasn't there with her, she offered a quiet farewell to her lovie.

And my heart burst. At her affection. Her attachment. Her maturity at being able to recognize that he wasn't there. Her ability to say good-bye without tears.

Holy damn I love that girl. I can't wait to get her home tonight and throw Matt the Monkey into her arms once more.