I confess: I didn't test this morning.
I jumped up and peed before I could give myself the chance to cave to the temptation of the waiting tests under my sink. I know it seems illogical, given that this is my longest LP yet, and as of tomorrow I'll be officially "late," and isn't it just better to know??
You see, if I don't test, if I don't see a fourth single line staring back at me, mocking my hope, mocking the way I can hear my heartbeat in my ears as I lay in bed waiting for the mandatory three minutes to pass, if I don't see that single line, I won't have to deal with all it entails, with the concreteness of the no. I can live one more day with the hope. And over the last four days, I've learned that the hope of the maybe is better than the reality of the no.
So maybe that's chicken shit of me. Maybe I need to put on my big-girl panties and just take the frickin' test and woman up to the results, one way or another. I prefer to think of it as choosing the path of zen.
TH is going out of town tomorrow, leaving the house at 4:30 a.m. So I have to decide if I'm going to test tonight before he leaves, or if I'm going to test while he's gone, or if I'm going to wait until Friday when he's back. And amazingly, it's actually a hard decision.
CD 32, 14 DPO
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2 comments:
Wait if you wanna. Maybe the test-free day will give your hCG levels that last push!
....plus those tests I gave you are magic. :)
I don't think its chicken shit at all! I actually admire your self control! There is a very real possibility that you implanted a little later and your hcg levels are still climbing to that magical testing number - so giving yourself an extra day is a good thing, in my mind!! Hope you enjoy your extra day of hope!
**fingers crossed!**
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