And I Was Doing So Well, Too

*Disclaimer--I've been drinking. That's one beer, one house margarita, and one top-shelf margarita 'cause the house margarita sucked (got it comped, though woohoo!). And we're going to a house party later tonight, so chances are I'm gonna keep going. So my filter's not exactly in tact right now.

My cousin and her husband were in town visiting us tonight--we had dinner at the Iguana Grill overlooking Lake Travis at sunset--awesome view, great food (it's where we had our rehearsal dinner), good times. Especially 'cause she told us she's pregnant. Woohoo!

Yep, that's right folks. She informed us that she went off birth control in May (hmmm...I went off birth control in May, too). She started taking prenatal vitamins ahead of time so that the folic acid could accumulate in her system, 'cause if you start when you find out you're pregnant, that's not enough time (no shit, sherlock. Good thing I just had my NINTH'S month prescription filled). She then went off caffeine and for the most part alcohol all summer and started charting her cycles so that she would know when she ovulates. And they they tried in August and HOT DAMN, WHAM BAM THANK YOU MAM, she is KTFU on shot number ONE. Which, she told me like an old school marm talking to a 10-year-old fresh off the fucking farm, is because she knew so much about her cycles. Because she was so prepared.

Well fucking shit. You mean all I have to do is KNOW about my cycles?? What the hell have we been wasting time on then?? Oh, and I'm SURE all the 16-year-olds who get knocked up in the back of their boyfriend's trucks know ALL ABOUT their cycles.

To her credit, she doesn't know we've been trying for five months. She doesn't know I do know all about my fucking cycles. I know the exact day I ovulate. I know about not having sex every day. I know how long my luteal phase is. I know WHAT a luteal phase is. I know about prenatal vitamins, and mucinex, and baby carrots, and alcohol, and caffeine, and cervical fluid, and cervix position, and OPKs, and charting your cycles, and god freaking dammit if all it took was being PREPARED and KNOWLEDGEABLE I would have five babies by now.

So you can take your condescending, haughty, I-got-pregnant- immediately-because-I-knew-exactly-what-to-do-and-when-to- do-it bullshit and shove it, right up there with your land you bought for $100k and are going to have paid off in 5 years and your promotion and your huge house that you don't even clean yourself.

What's the bright side of all this? I could pound margaritas and enjoy my fajitas while she sipped on water and picked at her beans and rice. Nice of me? No. But the universe has to fucking even-out somehow.

And I really was doing so well.