I want to quit my job. And not even necessarily pull the kids out of school. Really, what I want is the freedom to stay home, pursue my little passion project that has started to gain momentum, keep our house in order, and go to the gym. From looking at my list of short demands, it's pretty clear that I'm craving something that I have absolutely zero of right now: time to myself.
If you're a stay-at-home mom, you might be thinking, "pshhh. You work. That IS time to yourself." But it's not. No really. For the last five years, our company has had lay-off after lay-off. That has amounted to fewer and fewer people left to do the same--no, more--work. Often with smaller budgets and shorter project timelines. From the second I get here, I am stressed and grumpy. I sit through meeting after meeting and listen to decisions being made that are the WRONG decision, but all our hands are tied because of time constraints or budget constraints or staffing constraints. Then my lunch break rolls around and I go nurse baby boy because he won't take a bottle anymore. Then I come back and eat my lunch at my desk while I work. Then I rush out at 4 to go nurse baby boy again. Then I get home with both kids and feed baby boy immediately, then cook dinner for everyone, then we eat together and play until bath time. Then I nurse him again and do baths and books and bedtimes, and then when they're both sleeping, I have a choice: laundry? kitchen? bag/freeze milk? wash pump parts? put away dishes? pick up the house? spend time with my husband? watch TV? get on my computer and veg out for 30 minutes? One of those options--ONE--is time just spent on myself, and I have to rotate nightly which one I pick so that our house and my marriage doesn't fall into disarray. Then I pump once before bed and try to be in bed by 9:30 or so so that, despite the fact that I'm still getting up at night with little man, I can function at a somewhat human level the next day.
The only downtime I get is on weekends, during the afternoon nap window when both kids are sleeping. And baby boy sleeps anywhere from 30-90 minutes, so it's kind of a crap shoot.
Don't misinterpret things. I LOVE my lunch dates with baby boy. His smiles and coos and giggles are the total bright spot between 8 and 4. And our evenings are not just on me--TH helps out with everything listed as soon as he walks in the door.
But still,y'all. I feel like I'm drowning in life. Losing myself. I can keep everything above water but my own head.
And I know it's temporary. Really I do. I know in three months or less I'll have my lunch breaks back. That will help. I know at some point I'll stop getting up in the middle of the night. That will help. But I don't see how there will ever be more hours in the day, more hours for me to take care of all the chores around the house so that the limited time that I DO get with my kids is spent enjoying each other and relaxing and playing rather than trying to pick up and keep up. So that I can start doing things like working out again without having to sacrifice something else in order to do it, like time with my family.
I just feel stuck.
I'm even considering quitting and pulling the kids out of school (the only way we'd be able to afford me not working) so that at LEAST I'd get nap times, once a day, where there was just quiet, where nobody needed me for anything, where I could just sit.and.be.still. All by myself. A once-a-day break seems like such an incredible luxury to me.
Like, actually considering it.
First world problems, eh? Not enough time for me.
I'll go ahead and give myself the ol' violin.
2 comments:
I hope things start to get better for you. You need to do whatever will be good for your sanity.
I know I am very late to this game but I still felt compelled to comment. I was exactly where you are now one year ago. Drowning in life responsibilities of having a 2 year old, a young baby, a full-time demanding job, a marriage and house to care for. It's nuts. I write because over time it has gotten so much better as the baby has gotten older. You are right to imagine that the nursing and getting up at night takes a toll. And while it is a great bonding experience, the cumulative effect of being so tired and having so many demands on your time (and body!) can be so overwhelming. Once I was done nursing and the baby started sleeping better things became significantly more manageable. Yes, I still have the nutty after work routine that you listed out but just taking out those few items like pumping, washing parts, getting up at night...well, those really aren't a few things right?
Mainly what I am trying to say is, you are not alone. Hang in there. The light is coming and you are doing great, the best you can in fact. Take care.
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