Biting the Pencil

The title is not as dirty as you might think, despite the fact that this post is, ultimately, about sex.

I once heard a valuable tidbit that I've kept with me every day since then (and anything that I still remember these days, after two kids' worth of sleep deprivation, MUST be important): If you're in a bad mood, bite a pencil. Sideways. Hold it in your mouth. The muscles it takes to do so mimic the act of smiling, and your mood will actually improve because your body (muscles) are "smiling." (or your mood will improve because you'll realize you look like a goober sitting there with a pencil clenched between your teeth. Whatevs.)

Having a newborn is hard on any marriage. Truth. Having a newborn while also having a toddler is haaarrrdddd on any marriage. We've actually done a bang-up job of not fighting with each other when mental and physical exhaustion get the best of us. Our relationship hasn't really suffered. If anything, I think I appreciate TH more now as a parent than I did even before. I couldn't have asked for a better parenting partner. He's involved. He's loving. He's involved. He's devoted. He's involved. (Did I already mention that he's involved?)

So, our relationship as parents has actually grown.

But our relationship outside of our parenting roles? That old relationship? The one that is just about him and me, husband and wife?

Practically nonexistant.

It's not that we're bad . . . in fact, like I said, overall we're actually really good. But we're good as our parent-role, not necessarily as our husband-wife role.

It may sound like an excuse, but quite frankly, we just don't have the time or energy right now. I know how important it is to maintain the husband-wife relationship, especially once you become parents. But with little man still so little, still so needy, still so-not-sleeping-through-the-night, we just don't have the capacity to really focus on "us" like we should. Like we would like to.

The problem is, TH still wants to have sex. Like, a lot. And above the fact that I lack the time and energy to accommodate him as much as he would like, I also just don't feel the same level of intimacy that would allow me to want to accommodate him as much as he would like. Put another way, men need sex to feel intimacy, and women need intimacy to want to have sex. It's a cart/horse conundrum.

So I feel like he's been jumping to the sex and neglecting the intimacy that would, in my opinion, lead to the sex if it were taken care of first.

But I care about him and his needs and desires and feelings. So sometimes I throw him a bone (yep . . . intended) just for his sake.

And you know what? After those times when we have sex even though I never ever ever would have initiated it on my own, those times when I'd rather be sleeping or doing laundry or getting 10 glorious minutes to myself . . . or even *gasp* sitting and talking with him and working on our intimacy . . . even after those times, I actually do end up feeling somewhat more like a husband and wife.

Because often times doing the action brings about the desired emotion.

Kinda like biting the pencil actually ends up cheering you up.

This isn't to say that I'm abandoning my stance of wanting, of needing, to work on our intimacy. I will forever and ever believe that a husband and wife who are emotionally connected will have better and more frequent sex than those who aren't. But in times when that's not happening, it's good to remember that biting the pencil can help get you there, too.