Win/Win

My 16-week appointment is tomorrow. For my doctor's practice, this is the standard appointment for sex determination.

Tomorrow I will find out if we are having a baby girl or a baby boy.

Oh. Em. Gee.

The emotions swirling around this question have been so much more intense the second time around than the first. We always knew we wanted multiple kids, so the first time we found out boy or girl, it was largely inconsequential. It was simply finding out which sex we were starting out with.

This time though. This time carries so much more weight. So much more to think about. On the one hand, it might be a girl. A sister. The gift of a sister is something that is so incredibly precious. I have two brothers and a sister, and though I am closer in years to one of my brothers, the relationship I have with my sister is so different, so much more intimate and honest and close. We share clothes and talk about boys. The blessing of a sister is something I would LOVE for my children to have. Plus we could reuse all of our stuff. So, a girl would be a win.

On the other hand, a boy. One of each. Everyone's idea of the perfect family. A new adventure, a new experience. A brother to protect baby girl, a boy to teach her how to interact with the opposite sex. A boy would be a win, too.

So we head into tomorrow's appointment looking at a win/win scenario. There can't be a bad answer. What a wonderful position to be in.

And then my mind wanders there. To the other side of the coin. We may very well be done after two kids. So whatever the outcome tomorrow is, there is a very real possibility that will be the final outcome for our family. Either baby girl will never have a brother, and I will never have a son, or she will never have a sister, and I will only ever have one of each. In my emotionally, hormonally charged existence right now, both possibilities make me cry. Find out you are having one sex, and that means you have lost the other, possibly forever. Looking at it that way makes it a lose/lose.

And if I'm being totally honest with myself, I know what I think it is (girl). I know what I hope it is (girl). It's possible that the most appealing thing about the other option (boy) is that I feel like people expect me to want it. I feel like people will be disappointed for me if it's another girl. I feel like my dad will continue to lament his lack of a grandson. And my cousin will snicker about us not having done the Shettles method to ensure having a boy. And people will cluck their tongues and say, softly tilting their heads to the side and looking at me with gentle eyes, "Ah, you didn't get your boy." And I don't want to deal with people thinking I'm disappointed. I don't want to deal with people asking me if I'm disappointed. Because truth be told I wouldn't be. At all. When I sit down and think about the pros and cons of boys vs girls, the girl's "pro" side is WAY longer than the boy's. And of course that's likely because I HAVE a girl, and I know all the wonderful things that come along with it. But the fact remains that one of the most appealing things about having a boy to me is that it would shut everybody else up. And that's not a good enough reason.

Whew. Sorry. Side rant about societal and familial sex expectations.

That line of thinking, that lose/lose mentality, that "I secretly (not-so-secretly) hope it's a girl" mentality, just leave me feeling gloomy. So I'm resolving to focus on the win/win.

There is no bad answer tomorrow.

Note to self: schedule all future doctor's appointments for first thing Monday morning. This waiting a couple of days into the week and obsessing about things is for the birds.

22 hours and 10 minutes to go. And counting.