#20

#20 on the previous post.

No.

I'm not pregnant.

If I were pregnant right now, you'd find me with a paper bag permanently attached to my mouth to prevent the hyperventilation and fainting spells that would surely accompany such a reality.

All #20 meant is that we'll be trying for #2 soon.

At least, I think we will be. Some days.

Other days I think that a 3-year gap between kids sounds MIGHTY nice.

This has turned out to be the hardest decision we've ever made in our lives. The decision to get married? Easy. The decision to do a half-ironman? Piece of cake. The decision to give up everything we've ever known and bring another life into the world, a tiny, helpless little creature we'd be entirely responsible for not only keeping alive but raising to be a normal, functioning, contributing member of society with relatively few mental health issues? Done and done.

But #2. Oh, #2. How terrifying. Our life right now are not only the most amazing, wonderful, blissful, heaven-on-earth, but (dare I say it?) . . . our life is easy. We have the whole "1-child" thing DOWN. She is our light. She is the reason we get up in the morning, the reason we smile all day. We get to devote all our free time to her, and still manage to work in time to spend on each other, be it on an actual date where we get all fancied up and pretend to have manners out in public, or on our couch, in our pjs, laughing at each other until we cry. The decision to try for a second child would change all that. It would rock our little boat and nothing would ever be the same.

On the other hand, isn't that what happened with #1? We were happy just the two of us. We didn't feel like anything was lacking. We were blissful. And well rested. And yet still we knew we wanted kids (plural, if you'll note), and so we had #1 and though she rocked our boat completely and our life has never been the same since, I can honestly say it is better, richer, funnier, happier, and in every way superior to the life we used to lead. So isn't it fair to say that the same will happen with #2? That the fear of the unknown will turn out to be so comically unfounded, because the "unknown" is simply something better than we can possibly comprehend right now?

So that's where we are. Wavering between knowing that we want more kids, knowing that we want our kids to be relatively close in age, knowing that the time could be right to grow our family again . . . and the fear of the unknown, the fear of losing the brilliant, happy, easy, comfortable, easy, wonderful, easy existence we have right now.

We take it day by day. Some days it seems like a good time to take a deep breath and jump, trusting that history will hold true and our same good fortune with #1, the same treasure we discovered, will happen again with #2. Other days the fear wins out and we hunker down in our life of a blissful little trio and never want to jeopardize it at all.

But the good days are coming more frequently . . . even if the fear days are still the prevalent wind.

So we'll see. But the conversations are being had. The edge of the cliff is being looked over.

And in the meantime, we're enjoying the hell our of our easy little life right now.