I know.

She'll be fine.

I know this. I know she'll be fine. I know she is fine.

She had a UTI. A urinary tract infection. That was the illness, the temperature that approached 102, the vomiting. Not totally abnormal. Babies poop in their diapers. Sometimes the poop gets squished around, gets into places it's not supposed to be. She responded quickly, beautifully to the antibiotics. She's fine. She's healthy. She's perfect.

But a UTI in babies under a year old, though not abnormal, is not common. There are other things to think about, other possibilities that must be investigated and crossed off the list. We have to make sure that her anatomy is built correctly, that a valve between her bladder and her kidneys isn't letting anything go the wrong way.

So this morning I made an appointment for a sonogram at the children's hospital.

I know she's fine.

But I still had to make an appointment for my daughter at a children's hospital.

There are people at that hospital going through more than I can possibly comprehend. More than I want to imagine. More than I would ever want to put into words. I have a friend at that hospital right.now. for her son. Going through the worst of the worst. I almost chide myself when I feel the anxiety set in, when I feel my stress levels rise. What we are doing there is nothing compared to what almost everyone else is doing there. How dare I lose my perspective on that.

But still, still I am a mother. Still I am taking my baby to a hospital to get checked to make sure that she is built correctly. Perspective is a hard thing to keep when it's your baby's name on the medical file. When it's your baby on the table. I don't want those doctors looking at my baby. I don't want them spending their talent, their attention on her. I want her home, playing, jabbering, crawling, pointing, emptying our tupperware cabinet, eating random pieces of litter she finds on the floor. I want them focusing on the kids who really need their help. I don't want that kid to be my kid.

So my fight today is to reign myself in. To keep my perspective. She's totally fine. I know that. Deep down I really do know that. This is precautionary. And she'll handle it, like she handles everything else, like a champ.

36 hours from now it will be behind us.
36 days from now it will be a vague memory.
36 weeks from now it will simply be another blip on the radar screen of her first year.
36 years from now, for all intents and purposes, it may as well have not even happened.

I know.

I know.

I know.