Falling in Love

During our wedding ceremony, our rabbi said that marriage was when "falling in love becomes loving, something less noisy and much more profound." In a the relationship between a man and woman, the falling in love comes first. Each day that passes, you learn something new about the person, something that ignites your soul. You begin to realize you are spending hours a day daydreaming about the person, that just the thought of them brings you the same high that you feel in their presence. You find yourself unable--and unwilling--to think of anything else. You are addicted to the feeling they give you.

As breathtaking as this phase is, it must eventually give way to the next. One day you realize the pain they may temporarily cause you with a thoughtless comment or insensitive action is insignificant compared to the wealth of love that has grown inside you. Your feelings are no longer flashing on the surface, keeping you hot and bothered and distracted. They have sunken into the deepest depths of your being, have taken root. You think of that person not because of the high it gives you but because your world view no longer exists separately from them. They have become integrated into your existence. There is no corner of your world that is not colored by their thread. Though not as exhilarating, as breathtaking, as the falling in love stage, this is the world of loving. It is calmer. Deeper. Endless. This is what falling in love becomes.

This is the progression that I knew.

And then you came along.

And from day one I loved you. I felt it in the depths of my being. From the tips of my toes to the tips of my fingers, coursing through every vein in my body. As steady as my heartbeat. I love you. You are a part of me. I love you. No aspect of my world exists apart from you. I love you. I will always protect you. Always accept you. Always. I love you. It's a love that is ingrained in my very cells.

And then I met you. I don't just mean the day you were born. I mean every day for the last five months. I am meeting you. I have been meeting you every day. Every day you are developing--revealing--more and more of yourself. I am learning your smile. The feel of your fingers on my skin. The texture of your hair. The plumpness of your cheek when I kiss it. I am learning your personality. Your sense of humor. Your astuteness. Your free and open heart. And each day you are more enthralling. More addictive. More endearing.

This weekend your father was sick. It was a bad weekend for him to be out of commission--we had a number of things planned, most of which involved us being out of the house for extended periods of time. I was nervous about how you would handle being thrown off your normal routine. I was anxious about being left to do it all alone. But then the most wonderful thing happened.

I fell in love.

We spent more time together this weekend as just the two of us than we have since I stayed home with you. And I found myself happier than I've been in a while. You were charming. Shy at first, you quickly warmed up to the rooms full of strangers and proceeded to cast your spell over all. Far from difficult, I found our time out together refreshing, satisfying, fulfilling. You played with other babies, or were held by doting adults, and every time I felt myself on the brink of grabbing you and pulling you back into my embrace, covering your neck with kisses, longing to feel your little hand holding onto my shirt, or my neck, or my hair. I felt consumed by you.

Last night you woke every two or three hours. At first I fed you. But into the small hours of the morning, when I knew you were no longer hungry, I just held you. Sometimes I walked around and rocked you. Other times I sat in the rocker in your room while you slept in my arms. I stared at your peaceful, sleeping face and felt like my heart would burst. The hours passed in a blur. Not because I was tired. Not because I was half-asleep myself. But because I was happy. Just holding you. Getting a few more precious minutes out of our busy days to be near you, to touch you.

In a marriage, falling in love may become loving. And it may be less noisy and much more profound.

But in parenthood, loving has become falling in love. And what a wonderful progression it is. The depths, the stability, of love from day one. But the exhilaration, the feeling of my soul on fire, growing with each and every day.

What an amazing thing you have brought me. What an amazing thing you are.

I am counting the minutes 'til I see you again.

Love love love you,
M.